I’m not crying all the time or anything, but I’m really sad.  I can’t look at the pictures of Butter, but I can’t take them off the blog (for example the About Henge and Hollow Farm page) either.  I’m just sitting here in my office and not even working.  I’m just staring at the wall.  I really really want to go back to when she wasn’t dead.  I want do-overs.

One thing that my brain is doing with this is being convinced that more tragedy will strike.  That Junebug will get eaten or Lola will get bitten by a rattlesnake or that something bad will happen to one of the Ranch folk.  It’s irrational, but it’s there. This feeling of impending doom, and my inability to stop it.  That’s one thing.

This other is sort of like defeat.  Things were just humming along on this project of becoming a self-sufficient little homesteader.  I was feeling good at it, like it was all coming together, and everyday was a step forward.  The bees are healthy and I’m going to get honey, the garden looks gorgeous.  The barn is finished and looks great and the animals were healthy and happy.  Then one of my laying hens gets eaten by a hawk and I’m down to one layer.  And then a horrible accident kills Butter and we have no doe.  Two giants steps back.  Is that a weird way of thinking about it?  Am I being really selfish?  It’s not that I don’t also feel sad because I loved Butter (I didn’t really love Merriweather, to be honest)  but she was brought here for a purpose. She wasn’t just a pet.  And now that project is stalled, indefinitely.  It sucks.

Anyway I guess we’re just in this part now.  Ugh.