Rain and Sweat and Scary Spiders

So what we in hot, dry Northern California miss out on in terms of the lush green summers and the wonders of fireflies enjoyed on the East Coast, we make up for by never having to deal with muggy, sticky, gross weather that gives you swamp-ass and makes you feel like you have to take a shower ALL THE TIME.

Or, at least that’s the way it’s supposed to be. That was the deal.

And yet here I sit, in the swamp that is my ass, feeling like I have an inch of slime all over my body, and let me tell you, the novelty is not that awesome. Sure, I was glad when the insane lightning show last night, and the inevitable wafts of wildfire smoke that accompanied it, were then thoroughly doused by a freak and quite substantive rainstorm.  But it’s gotta be in the 90s right now and I’m pretty sure that’s steam I see rising off the ground.  And I just think if my armpits are going to stick together like this for the rest of the day, I should get to see some lightning bugs, goddammit!

We did get this real nice sunset out of it though:



But then we went inside (which was pretty pointless, given that the humidity makes inside feel exactly the same as outside) and we found this behind the couch:


Ignore the dust bunnies, focus on the terror.

We have A LOT of spiders in our house, including infinity number of daddy-long-legses, a buttload of wolf spiders and even the occasional black widow, but I have never seen one of these bad boys here, so it was quite an event. Not a good event. More of a screamy one. I dare you to google images for “brown recluse” if you have even the slightest shred of doubt that is what you’re looking at. Because we did. Which was about the time the screaming started. Some of the photos on the interwebs looked like they had been taken of the exact spider that was in our house. I don’t mean the same species of spider, I mean like the EXACT SAME SPIDER.


And it was big. It was big enough to put a leash on it and call it Rex, but Paul squished it with his shoe instead. Now we call it Dead, which is catchy enough. I just hope there isn’t another one out there who called it Junior, but hoping so doesn’t seem to have any effect on my now absolute certainty that in every dark cranny of my house (and there are oh, so, many) is an enormous fangy deadly spider waiting to come out and play.

Did I mention :(  ?

9 thoughts on “Rain and Sweat and Scary Spiders

  1. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
    Did I happen to mention that I’m fucked up scared of spiders (excluding Daddy Longlegs some how)?
    No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
    Thank you Paul for squish. I know that was scary.
    No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

  2. Funny! And so like my own daughters, who at 30+ years still scream like babies when they see a spider. They must have gotten the spider gene from their dad.

  3. I feel your pain! We just moved last year to a house near the woods and this muggy, muggy summer (we are on the swamp-assy East Coast) has made the bugs come out with a vengeance. My husband just trapped a HUGE, hairy, pincer-weilding spider the other day, and when he tried to show it to me I screamed and clutched my toddler so hard that I freaked her out. And that was just an anonymously scary spider, nowhere near the brown-recluse level.

    • Knowledge is power. Learn to identify the common spiders in your area and you’ll probably find most of them are harmless (Australians, I’m not talking to you). We actually have a huge tube trapdoor spider that lives in one of our irrigation junction boxes, it’s been there for years! It’s like a tarantula. I’m sure it’s bite would hurt like heck, but it’s not out to get us (their venom is not harmful to humans) and there’s something kind of endearing about the fact that we can count on it being there every time we have to do something in the irrigation box. But…I’m not going to pick it up or anything…

  4. Sara-I awoke to the sound of a heavy spider landing on my bed, next to my head. I haven’t moved as quickly as I did in years, but basically it was a flying roundhouse kick that smooooossssshed that badass in place before it could blink or lick its chops before it took a bite. It is the season. I’ve taken to surveillance procedures before closing my eyes, but still I am alert in the shadows. It is a skill I developed in Africa, while I waited for things to fall on my mosquito netting….
    Wayne of Treehenge

    • I hate that sound! I had a spider land on my arm while I was sleeping once and in a half-sleep grabbed it and threw it across the room and heard a squishy “thwack.” Then I went back to sleep and totally forgot about it, until way later the next day when I saw a totally splatted spider stuck to the wall. It was hu-mon-gus! Nice spider karate, though. And much better than a black mamba!

  5. Spiders are good medicine ;) Spider asks you to pay attention to your creativity (weaving) their are 8 legs on this one, 4 for each direction and 4 for the winds that blow…also, it could be saying look beyond what is veiled/webbed… Not to mention they are vociferous consumers of OTHER bugs. Ahh…they do get a bad rap! kind of like snake…
    Next time, consider an upturned jar and slide a piece of paper underneath then release it outdoors if you can not stomach that, maybe Paul can muster ?!
    Just another point of view to consider.
    Lovely tomatoes…ours are still green.

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